Brush and Sword

The newsletter by Sameer Sharma

Issue #4

Connection Versus Attachment-The difference is significant, not semantic.

A Lesson From Tai Chi

“Stay connected to your partner; not attached,” I said to my students during a recent Tai Chi class where I was teaching them push hands. They quickly discovered that being connected is not the same as being attached. The more they grabbed onto each other, the less control they had. In fact, the person who tries to unbalance their partner with physical force ends up losing their own balance. This is one of the beautiful paradoxes expressed in the internal martial arts of Tai Chi and Aikido, which I practice.

Attachment to your partner through physical force and aggression works against you. Yet, staying connected to your partner allows you to remain balanced, responsive, relaxed and controlled.

Movement is a reflection of one’s psyche. My sifu (Chinese for “teacher”) often says, “How you think is how you move.’” After decades of practice, I’ve come to understand that softness, yielding and connection, is true power. Hardness, aggression and attachment, is weakness. I’ve found this to be true not only in martial arts, but in my art and my life.

At first glance, the difference between connection and attachment may not be apparent. This distinction may even seem like semantics. But the subtle difference is profound. Yet, this subtlety is why we can mistake attachment for connection. Attachment masquerades as connection.

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Near Enemies

In Buddhism, there is the concept of “near enemies”, or states that seem similar on the surface but are opposites. Pity versus compassion, indifference versus equanimity, loving-kindness versus greed, are common examples of these states. Likewise, attachment is the near enemy of connection.

The thing you wish to control through attachment ends up controlling you. Its natural for our survival instinct to hold on to something we think we will lose. Yet, it’s this very act of attachment that binds us to our fear rather than the thing we wish to hold.

Whenever I feel stuck, frustrated, angry, afraid, and anxious, I am attached. I am attached to things being other than what they are in this moment. When I am in fluid, inspired, creative, relaxed, centered, and courageous, I am connected. I am connected to things being just as they are. I accept what is and allow things to unfold by an Intelligence greater than my ego.

The root of my attachment is fear. The root of my connection is love. If fear were a fire, then attachment is gasoline, and connection is water. When I trade attachment for connection, I gain real control- self-control. From this internal place of centeredness and presence, I can respond rather than react.

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An Impressionist's View

The following observations are from my practice as both a martial artists and painter. They contrast the difference between connection and attachment. Each observation is like a loose, expressive brush mark in an impressionistic painting. The mark’s purpose is to suggest rather than define the image. The image comes into focus when we see the totality of brush marks. As you read the following list, just sit with each observation and allow it to form a meaning that is relevant to you. You’ll find that you’re connected in some cases and attached in others.

The trick is to not judge yourself when you find that you are attached. This is a slippery slope because judgment is another form of attachment. You’re attached to not being attached! Just your observation and acknowledgement is enough. The transformation of attachment to connection happens on its own through your awareness. Its like forcing yourself to unclench your first. Just the thought of letting go creates the release, not effort.

I created this list the way the impressionist painter, Claude Monet, created his paintings- a collection of loose, distinctive, colorful brush marks that add up to an image. The image that forms when you read the following statements will be unique to you. Just observe and reflect without judgement.

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Connection Versus Attachment

Connection is presence. Attachment is absence.

Connection is aware. Attachment is oblivious.
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Connection is soft and powerful. Attachment is hard and weak.
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Connection is centered and balanced. Attachment is uncentered and unbalanced.
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Connection is responsive. Attachment is reactive.

Connection is open and expansive. Attachment is closed and contracted.
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Connection allows. Attachment prevents.

Connection is power. Attachment is force.

Connection accepts. Attachment rejects.
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Connection attracts. Attachment repels.

Connection controls. Attachment is being controlled.
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Connection is an intention. Attachment is a craving.

Connection is now. Attachment is past and future.
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Connection is vulnerable. Attachment is guarded.
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Connection is abundant. Attachment is lack.

Connection gives. Attachment hoards.
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Connection is fluid. Attachment is rigid.

Connection listens. Attachment is deaf.

Connection is having. Attachment is wanting.
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Connection is a process. Attachment is an outcome.
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Connection is love. Attachment is fear.

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Best,

Sameer

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